How to Fight Fair
Most of us have a belief that no conflict is ideal, that a good relationship is stress free.
For some of us fighting is sport, where we work things out and it leaves no marks. For some, conflict is extremely unsettling and can wreck our nervous systems for days. It is important to know how you respond to conflict and to take care accordingly.
All relationships have a rupture, repair cycle.
Ideally, the ruptures become tiny tears and the repair happens swiftly and with love. It is ok to be upset, to be passionate about what we want and to let others know if they have crossed our boundaries or harmed us. However, how we communicate our anger makes all the difference. Judging, criticizing, blaming and attacking someone’s character ultimately harm a relationship. Consider -
I can love someone and be upset at them at the same time.
We can both be right.
Ideally, we are all able to express our concerns and needs. However, deep listening skills are not natural and need to be honed. Taking notes breaks the back and forth cycle and can be helpful. Having a break if the conversation escalates can be helpful. It can take at least 20 minutes for our physiology to return to calm. If you find yourself arguing for long or repeating the same points and not considering one another’s perspective, take a break and commit to a time to reconnect.
Can I see the other’s perspective?
Can I argue for their position? Such doesn’t mean I agree with them or have to acquiesce, they don’t win, if I understand them.
Being understood is often most what is needed. How we present is often the difference between closeness or conflict.
Let the other person know how you feel and why. Give concrete examples.
Rather than,
“You never come home on time, I can’t ever trust you, you are so selfish, you don’t care about me at all.”
Try
“When you weren’t here at 6, my heart started pounding and I got a sinking feeling. I was really looking forward to having dinner with you and when I couldn’t reach you by phone or text, I worried you forgot and didn’t care about our plans.”
Instead of,
“You are always on your phone, I’ve asked you so many times and I hate reminding you. I guess I’ll just forget about connecting tonight.”
Try
“When you picked up your phone when we sat on the couch together, I got really afraid we weren’t going to connect. I miss you so much. Could we please talk about our day together for a few minutes?”